As an avid reader, I enjoy indulging in a range of articles, with articles centred around children, parenting, and abuse taking the cake.
Many often take the tree branch approach, gently grazing the surface when the topic of childhood trauma arises, whereas for me, getting to the root of the matter is second nature.
According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, in the article, Domestic violence and abuse – the impact on children and adolescents, it was revealed that in the face of child abuse, ‘Boys seem to express their distress much more outwardly, for example by becoming aggressive and disobedient. Sometimes, they start to use violence to try and solve problems and may copy the behaviour they see within the family. Older boys may play truant and start to use alcohol or drugs (both of which are a common way of trying to block out disturbing experiences and memories).
Girls are more likely to keep their distress inside. They may become withdrawn from other people and become anxious or depressed. They may think badly of themselves and complain of vague physical symptoms. They are more likely to have an eating disorder, or to harm themselves by taking overdoses or cutting themselves. They are also more likely to choose an abusive partner themselves.
As adults, children who have witnessed violence and abuse are more likely to become involved in a violent and abusive relationship themselves. Children tend to copy the behaviour of their parents. Boys learn from their fathers to be violent to women. Girls learn from their mothers that violence is to be expected, and something you just have to put up with.’
When people embrace the silent approach in the face of childhood abuse, it often leaves me perplexed. Are people incapable of thoroughly assessing the links between childhood abuse and adulthood trauma?Or is it that deep down they do understand the links between the two, but simply refuse to acknowlwedge it?
Our society is filled to the brim with a plethora of broken people who sneer and tilt their noses up at the thought of addressing their wounds and trauma, yet, often speak about their desires to bring children into the world, only to perpetuate the same cycle of abuse.
I can hear the ‘You’re being judgemental’, and ‘People can’t give what they don’t have’ cries caressing my ear drums. In a world where people often fear being labelled as judgmental, I’ll gladly take that seat for the sake of unborn children. I’ll gladly take that seat because I recognise, that it is through thorough assessment and judging of situations for the purposes of doing better, that clarity and growth is achieved.
Furthermore, if it is common knowledge that people cannot give what they do not have, therefore making it difficult for them to be a decent human being to others, why does society so readily encourage broken people to have children, continuing the cycle of abuse instead of encouraging therapy? If I asked you to pour from an empty cup you would question my sanity, yet, on so many occasions society fuels the poor decisions of others only to turn them into humorous stories later on in life. (memes on social media) Turning our pain into humour has not helped us in any way, instead, it has left many grown adults snickering over their childhood trauma in an attempt to bury their painful memories.
The more I researched, the more I noticed the common theme existing amongst people who either decided to not have children or stopped at one. Honesty. The theme was honesty. They had decided to be brutally honest with themselves about what they truly wanted, and whether or not parenting was for them. With a society often trying to find faults with the only child dynamic and childless couples, I say, do you have the emotional intelligence for multiple children? Do you have the patience for the large family you always speak about? A parent once said, ‘Parenting is a thankless job’, and so I ask, are you ready to be selfless? Do you have issues with putting your needs second?
Gone are the days when children were brought into the world to prove fertility. Gone are the days when children were brought into the world not out of genuine love, but just because. Gone are those days. The importance of raising a child in a healthy environment cannot be overemphasised. I recognise how crucial it is for people to take the time to work through their issues to avoid repeating the same cycle.
Therapy and counselling should be a standard procedure in our community. It is essential we create safe spaces for people to share their unfiltered beliefs on parenting. We need to encourage the culture of honesty with oneself. Parenting may not be for everyone, and that is okay. Forcing people to adhere to the ‘norm’ just because it is a common occurrence does not birth healthy results, it simply pressurises people into making life changing decisions that do not sit well with them, only to later lash out in the long run.
The writing on the wall has grown weary. The writing on the wall has been there, staring right at you, waiting for you to use it as a tool to learn from past errors and do better. They say when you know better you do better, will you?